Recently, I thought I was getting away for a refreshing and restorative weekend. It turned out to be exactly the opposite – intense, and challenging at almost every angle.
I discovered that I really don’t respond well to spontaneous, unanticipated activity. I happen to like knowing what is on an agenda. We were not given an agenda.
I was designated “secretary” for my small discussion group. I never enjoyed taking notes in meetings when I was working, and I still don’t enjoy the process.
I was not a happy camper, and my stomach was in knots.
So, I have been wondering what should I be taking with me from this experience? The theme I recognize running through it all is that I was lacking the element of control. I’d thought that my life was pretty much in order. I’d felt that I’d chosen the parts I had wanted to keep and rejected those I did not. What’s wrong with that? asks my subconscious. I’d thought that was a sign of growing up.
I realized this weekend that those choices, however, have resulted in self-imposed barriers. I have had decades to construct them. They took a long time to build, and they are pretty sturdy. I did a pretty good job on them. But maybe I need to take another look at my fortress. Could there be a need for a window somewhere?
I’m thinking that perhaps the message I needed to hear is that I need to lose some control and allow myself to trust more. Unfortunately, that probably means I have to be open to being more vulnerable. But I don’t want to be hurt! rails my subconscious obstinately.
To be more vulnerable, I realize that I may need to share my thoughts and feelings more. My quiet solitude is still my preferred refuge. However, I am thinking that perhaps I need to let more people “in.” I’m not too sure about the spontaneity factor, though.
Will I venture out beyond my moat? Perhaps there is something “out there” that I’ve been missing. If there is, I guess I’m not likely to find it on the paper or the computer screen on which I write.
Try it! She exclaims. Who knows? Perhaps you’ll like it.
I’m guessing I need to find a place in this castle for a window….